Welcome to the Oxford Brookes Mountaineering Society

The trip started for most of the group at 10 am where we met at the centre for sport to load up and get underway, I say most people as my day started at 6am when I left home to drive down to Oxford . We all appeared in dribs and drabs between 10 and 12, and finally got going at midday after we'd loaded the roof rack. There were to be 13 of us eventually, Al (Club President), Maddy (Women's Officer), Dan (Deputy President and founder of the Brookes Fell Walking Insulting Society) (returned to fell walking after extensive therapy for his chicken phobia), Adric (Adders), Phil (The Kaiser ), Rupie (the de-bagged fairy), Helen(slightly less drunk French girl), Rachel (minus dog), Himhe (or Akim depending on who you speak to), Kia (part of the Paparazzi) , Viola, Marina and Eliza - who are all incredible flexible (Rachels game!). This is a new attendance record for the Fell walking club, and a major funds booster, that means Al can buy plenty of drinks out of funds (DON'T TELL DAN).

We had a long, but fairly problem free accent to the bonny Highlands of Scotland, with plenty of breaks for the loo and to fill the minibus up with new BP ULTIMATE DIESEL, more performance, less pollution, as endorsed by Dan Lane . I think this is the right time to congratulate Dan on his recent commission deal with BP ULTIMATE. We made a very brief de-tour round by Glasgow train Station to pick up Himhe, as he'd been traveling previous. We found our destination without any problems, and nearly everyone found beds easily, there's always an odd one out who has to be different, but I'll come on to that later. We had a few drinks, hot beans on toast, several episodes of Black Adder and a walk on the railway line before heading off to find beds. Well all but 1 of us found a bed, I, being the gnarly fell walker that I am, slept on the sofa (Translation - I fell asleep while I was sat on the sofa and didn't move till the morning).

The following day was the day when we would tackle the highest mountain in Britain , Ben Nevis . Most of the group were awoken by some rude guy who thought that as he was up, everyone else should be, so he stood outside the bedrooms and banged saucepans together, I'm not saying who gave him the idea. After a fairly quick breakfast we headed off to the base of Ben Nevis which was to be our days mountaineering. The start of the route up was a pleasant easy going path, which we easily managed to make decent time on, even with our resident paparazzi ( Helen, Himhe, Kia, Viola, Marina and Eliza) taking photos every 5 minutes. After the first dinner stop we headed on to the steeper winding path up to the summit. Not long into the walk we managed to find a waterfall that we had to cross, we didn't get any entertainment this time as there was no dog to throw across (see Wales report), I managed to safely cross the waterfall, then slip over on the dry path the other side. We carried on the steep, un-even path until we found our first patch of snow, this discovery warranted a stop to throw snow balls and write messages in the snow. We may have found snow but we still had a long way to go to the summit. We carried on, now with the added difficulty and danger of walking on snow. It was hard going, which is why The Kaiser decided that we should just climb up the side of the mountain instead.

We stopped for our second dinner stop, before the final push, to try and move field marshal Hague's drinks cabinet 12 inches closer to Berlin , sorry wrong event. We bumped into some Brummy students while having our second dinner stop who were using part of their uni holidays to come to Scotland and climb some Scottish bloke called Mr. Ben Nevis, Nutters!!! We got chance to get my binoculars out at this stop and spot the hostel, and make sure no one had broken in and stolen the Strongbow. The last part of the accent was by far the hardest bit. The mountain takes the piss at the top as you can see a flatter area at the top of the slope, but when you get there, there's another slope. The snow at the top was over a foot deep in places, it required a lot of effort just to lift our feet. We made it to the summit eventually and had the compulsory photo shoot (speaking of photo shoots, there's a nice picture of my back in loaded magazine this month, bottom left of page 31.). We were then told by Al that we had to start making our way down now so we could keep to the master plan, this is the plan to continue with all out slaughter until every one is dead, except Field Marshal Hague, Field Marshal Hague's Wife and their tortoise Alan. Coming down the snow slopes was much easier than going up as we just slid down on whatever we could find, Bivi bags work well. The walk down the mountain was fairly uneventful; the only real things that happened were me appearing out of thin air, according to Phil, finding a gnome look a like on a rock, creating yellow snow on mass, and seeing Dan lay down near the bottom and refuse to carry on. At the bottom most of the group suddenly remembered that they'd left something at the top, so we just popped up and got the things (if you believe that you'll believe anything), we just got on the bus and headed back and everyone found their bits on their person. That night we were treated to a lovely meal. Followed by the group doing the married couple act, us lads and Kia went down the pub, while the females stayed at the hostel. We only had a pint or two before we called it a night and started heading home, we met the rest of the group on the way home as they were coming to fetch us home from the pub, anyone would think we were all married, we're not before anyone asks.

The following morning was quite a late start for most people, some of us were out of bed (yes, that's right, I made it there that night) in reasonable time, un fortunately we couldn't go anywhere as the door was locked and Al didn't think we were trustable to be given security clearance. The only people with security clearance were in his own words "You and me Darling obviously, Field Marshal Hague, Field Marshal Hague's Wife, Field Marshal Hague's Wife's Tennis Partner, their friends and some bloke I bumped into the other day in the mess called Bob. Basically only Al and the rest of the English speaking world had security clearance to have the front door key. We got off early afternoon time and headed to Nessie country, home of that most feared of creatures, the Loch Ness Monster or Bob to his mates. We had to stop once on route for a loo stop (The GIRLS needed to stop) and as it was a nice day we decided to take in the sites from the top of the minibus, it must have looked strange for passers by when they see 10 students stood on a minibus roof rack by the side of the road.

We parked the mini bus at six quid a piss castle, so called because that's the amount they were going to charge us for a piss, its extortionate, not even Dan would charge that much. We did a nice gentle hike round the hills high above Loch Ness, with a pleasant dinner break in the middle, accompanied by a bottle of wine, had I known we were drinking on the hike, I'd have brought Strongbow. We nearly had a huge problem during dinner when a vicious, blood thirsty bush looked at us in a slightly odd way, we were terrified and thought we'd never see another day, and we probably wouldn't have if it wasn't for Al 's quick thinking and barbarian instincts. He quickly grabbed a log and attacked the bush, hitting it and then stabbing it, most of us were actually carrying knives, but Al obviously thought that he could make a lot better impression on the bush with a log. The bush was beaten, but with its last bit of strength it threw a tree branch at Al which embedded itself in Al 's chest, with his last dying breath Al spoke to us and said "my last wish is that Baldrick be sold to set up a Black Adder appeal to promote peace" or it might just have been "Bloody Bush", I can't quite remember. Anyway he survived (don't ask how, I'm not a doctor) and we headed off down the hill towards the Loch .

Down beside the Loch we found a long jetty leading out to nowhere, which managed to entertain us for a good 10 minutes. We then got engaged in another battle against nature, this time it was against a branch that was sticking up out the water and teasing us. We started by chucking stones at the branch, followed by small logs. We then changed tactics and decided to build a bridge out to the branch using big logs from the other side of a barbed wire fence. The battle ended when Rupie walked out to the branch and knocked it over. We then decided that we should try to get to the sand bank on the other side of the loch, this was not an easy task as the route was marshy and overgrown. It was attempted by a small International party though, 2 English (Me and Al ) led by a German (The Kaiser ). It was a very tricky mission but we made it. Unfortunately we were then faced with a problem, how do we get back? We could either go back the way we came or go by the most direct route, straight through the Loch . Both routes were risky, we chose the riskiest one though and decided to paddle straight through Loch Ness. We could have got washed away or eaten by Bob, but that didn't scare us. We made it across safely, after having to turn back once as our trousers weren't rolled up high enough. We didn't see Bob at all, but there were several sightings right near us while we were paddling across, so I think we were lucky. Not wanting to wait till our luck ran out we headed back to the minibus at six quid a piss castle and headed back to the hostel.

That evening we sat down for another nice meal, while watching 28 days later, followed by a student pilgrimage. Ours like most students was to the pub, not that we hadn't already started drinking. I, myself had started on a glass of pure green (that's Strongbow with green food colouring in it, which I acquired at st. Patrick's Day). Some of the group were a bit slow getting out the hostel; by slow I mean they didn't jump up and run outside at the first mention of the word pub. We managed to get about an hour drinking in at the pub before most headed back. In the absence of Petter I thought someone should stay, chat to the locals and see if the pub had a lock in. I managed a reasonable chat to the locals and even got given some homemade shortcake in return for promising that we'd go to their pub again the following night. I eventually left the bar as the bar maid was setting the burglar alarm; I got the hint she wanted me to leave. Back at the hostel, everyone was having a competition to see who could pick the smallest piece of a cereal box up with their mouth, without touching the floor with anything but feet. Then there was time for a snout for anyone who wanted one ( Kaiser, Himhe and Al) and some time to play outside. Me and Himhe decided that it would be fun to play on the shopping trolley that was outside the hostel. It was fun until we got the trolley wheel stuck in the railway tracks; this catapulted Himhe off the front and sent me over the trolley with one of the wheels hitting me in delicate regions. We settled down after that to enjoy the nightly ritual of watching Black Adder, as for anything that happened after that, I'm not the one to ask, I fell asleep on the sofa again, I did get to my bed at gone 3 though when I woke up and found myself on the sofa.

The fourth day was the cultural part of the trip. We were off to Edinburgh for the day; as usual we didn't get off too soon due to lay ins. We made it to Edinburgh by early afternoon and were parked quite a while later. The first point of interest was the top of the hill where the castle is. The first place we visited wasn't the castle though; it was the Tartan Kilt Factory which has a great gift shop selling bagpipes and Scottish hats. Then we went to the castle gates, we're students, we can't afford the entrance fee. We then split into 2 groups, one went to do some touristy things, the other headed down into the city centre through the middle of a load of teacher that were protesting in the street over their pay (high teachers salary). Then split up some more, Maddy and Rachel had spotted a Marks and Spencer's (just like the one in Oxford and most reasonable sized towns around Britain, even Boston has one) and had to go in, they also had to drag Al in with them as he is very valuable (he's worth 20% discount at any Marks and Spencer store). Those of us that were left decided to find some food, and what a surprise, we found a pub. By this time it was getting fairly late and all the attractions were shutting so we had a walk up the hill to the Tartan Kilt Factory which was still open and wait for everyone else. We decided it was time for a nice evening meal.

Some of the group had found two nice places to eat, one was an Italian restaurant and the other was the oldest pub in Edinburgh serving traditional Scottish Meals. The majority decision was for an Italian. The food was good, it just didn't have that Scottish feel to it and even worse, they didn't do any ciders, that crime should be made a hanging offence. The wine was good though, Maddy was so impressed with the red wine that she insisted that I have some and she wouldn't take no for an answer. Just for future reference Maddy, I'm not keen on red wine and I drink though my mouth, not where you gave me the wine. After the meal it was simply a case of heading home. On the way back to the minibus me and Al came up with what could well be the best fundraising idea ever for the Fell walking club. In Scotland any bank seems to be able to legally print that funny Scottish money so our plan is to start the "Oxford Brookes Fell Walking Bank", A Division of DanCo, In Partnership with Al Incorporated and Adders Intoxicated. We could make millions. The journey home was nothing special, just your usual drive a bit, stop in a lay-by for a loo stop, watch everyone peeing by hazard warning light and drive some more. The disaster came when we got back to the hostel and looked at the time, we were too late to go to the pub. This was pretty bad as I'd promised the locals that I'd take everyone in that night, we got over it in the usual way though, with alcohol and snouts for those who snouted. Then there was the usual DVD watching, served with more alcohol.

The last morning was started quite abruptly for the entire group except me. I'd been up a while, had a shower, watched the end of Harry Potter and was about to watch some Black Adder when the owner of the hostel walked (no need to un-lock it as it had been left un-locked all night. She told me that we were meant to be out by 10:00am and she needed us out on time, unfortunately everyone except me was asleep, the kitchen and living room needed tidying and the time was 9:15am, the phrase "Oh B****R" came to mind. I had the great idea that I could set off the smoke alarm to get everyone up, would have worked if the smoke alarm worked. I resorted to knocking on every ones doors (in the first draft of this I'd put "I resorted to knocking every one up" but I thought I'd better change it). Every one got up, got to work and performed the near impossible. We had people flying round all over the place and eventually got everything packed at just gone 10. There was then time to pop to the local Co-Op Scotland to stock up on supplies before starting the journey, we just had to make one quick stop at the healthy green sign to fill up on non Dan Lane endorsed BP normal diesel, less power, more pollution. After that we were off, chugging along on the old blue bus (no wonder the floors were sticky). Our first stop was Edinburgh (again) to drop Himhe off with a friend. The next stop was the famous Hadrian's Wall . We arrived there in good time; unfortunately the wall didn't live up to Dan's expectations (It was tiny -RUBBISHHH!!!). Nevertheless we stayed for a while and had plenty of photos taken before walking to the next remains of a watch tower, this had the added appeal of sheep in the field next to it. On returning to the minibus we found out that the country air was affecting Rupie and he'd started impersonating a farmer. Our next stop was the Trafford Centre on the outskirts of Manchester , which we reached at about 9:30pm after a brief stop at the healthy green sign to fill up on BP Ultimate Diesel, More Power, and Less Pollution. I say we were heading for the Trafford Centre because that's where we thought we were heading, Rachel however thought the Trafford Centre was Old Trafford Football Ground as we were pulling into its car park, next to Debenhams. We got chance to head inside Debenhams to the loo. Most of us took this opportunity, especially the girls, for some reason, possibly looking for another Marks & Spencer's. Unfortunately the stop wasn't as straight forward as it could have been as Kia's lift was a bit late and The Kaiser seemed to take a while in Debenhams, suspicions were that he'd got lost, possibly in the ladies underwear section like some many people (especially priests) do, Al did have other ideas about The Kaiser 's private life (partly brought on after Wales) but he kept them to himself. While we were sat in the car park some of the group decided to have a picnic and Dan decided that he would find out the score of the football match that was played earlier that evening. Dan returned after about 15 minutes with shocking news about the game, there was no game that day, god, how much of a pratt must he have felt when he was told by security. After leaving the Trafford Centre there was just 1 stop left before returning to Oxford and that stop was just for the loo, The Kaiser to top his Red Bull wings and to have an argument about how effective coffee is. We arrived in Oxford at about 2am on the Saturday morning and started the Oxford drop offs. This started with throwing Dan out the bus at Headington with instructions to get his car and go to Crescent Hall where we were unloading. Then round to Crescent hall to drop Helen, Viola, Marina and Eliza off and unload the roof rack. Then round Oxford until there were just three of us left, Me, Al & The Kaiser . We got the minibus back to the Centre for Sport at 3am where we discovered that we'd lost the barrier token to get into the car park (it has since been found). The minibus got dropped off on the road and we headed to Morrell Hall (this time without a dead body to eat) to celebrate a successful trip.

As this report draws to a close, I would like to leave you all with some lines from the forthcoming Fell walkers single, set to take the charts by storm:

I like the mountains, I like the rolling hills

I like the tree tops, I like the daffodils

I like the fire side, when the day is almost through

Adric Warth

Adders

Report written under the influence of Strongbow.

Strongbow is a registered trademark of H. P. Bulmer.